Even if I were bipolar nymphomaniac with cheeks brimming to the gills with viagra I would never expect the words above. But there you have it, myself and my manfriend have finally had our first definitive Oliver Reed argument. One of those beautiful blazing brannigans, normally sparked by someone cracking their knuckles or 'doing that baby voice again'. The catalyst is usually irrelevant but a hefty portion of spirits are sure to keep it a float. For most men, this is usually one of the Pop-Eye bicep bulging spirits like Grouse, Tequila, Black rum. But my lovely lean man has more in common with a 50 year old woman crying masacra tears onto her pink pant suit than Sir Chuck Norris. His cascade into beligerant bastardville was fuelled by a mouth monsoon of gin. At least thats what I am telling myself. After all, I am a lady, I am infallable.
There we were, skipping down our crisp-bag clad road all ready and heady with love. He grabs me by the hand and makes me sprint towards our house and I follow, tongue wagging like an un-neutered dog. But the meek little lady I am, I stopped to force my red-flushed face against a cold stone wall. Mmmm cold concrete against a hot drunk face, heals all wounds doesn't it? Apparently my idiosyncracies weren't as adorable as I had hoped. Within in minutes of my maudling stalling he'd evolved into a some deranged Hulk-Ramsey hybrid. Using words that would turn the virgin mary spastic I might add!The rest of the evening streched out to infinity with pointless exchanges like, "Why are you angry?" "Because you never take responsibility for anything!" "Responsiblity for what exactly?" "You're doing it again all high and mighty.........aaaahh grumble grumble rant rant." But I don't blame him, I don't even blame the gin-scapade. The real enemy here is life's mild inconveniences. For all sad sacks with no real problems, like childhood abandonment or Herpes (so much artistic fuel-lucky fucks) we let mild inconveniences build int a subconcious Vesuvius. Sometimes, we need a little liquor shower to vent the indignation we have about how annoying and inane life can be. So the other night, I was quite happy to be my manfriends vulnrable venoum canvas. I was the sand between his toes, the second story on his house of cards, his puddle drenched shoelace, his pavement dance with a stanger. And even though our pillows have little beige stains were my make up mixed with tears, he is officially forgiven. I understand. But next time he gets a static shock from his jumper or a vending machine eats his coins, I recommend the following alternatives to berating his loved ones: -Shove fellow commuters harder than necessary and get a few foot stamps in while your at it. -Tell small children there is no Santa and/or God. -Spill drinks on bus seats so people will assume they have sat it piss.
Despite all the above, I firmly believe that forgiveness and revenge are bedfellows so for all that don't know, the pale hoodie-wearing Elephant Man in the photo is my boyfriend.
Do not let the title mislead you, I do not intend for my first precocious little blog entry to consist of unnecessary slating of England's near literary-laureate. The title is my own attention grabbing statement, which I published, not within the events page of the Guardian magazine, but as my facebook status. The strange thing is, I have nothing against Will Self and other than his sporadic appearances on question time, I know very little about him. And as every Harry Potter critic will expressly say, I haven't even bothered to read the books. In fact, at the Alice and Wonderland readings at the British Library, his talk was eloquent as well as humble. Not only did he demonstrate a frightening knowledge of the Alice in Wonderland, he managed to hold the attention of the audience through a full analogy of its history. Did you know that Lewis Caroll was a well known paedophile and was likely to have been in love with his protagonist? nor did I, but thanks to Mr.Self I am clued in to all the seedy subtext.
I don't know what possessed me to denounce the bugger, but it made me think. Suddenly, the simplicity of status updates has allowed all social net-workers to evolve into embittered critics and observational comedians. Whenever I approach my computer and contemplate a monthly update (I like to keep them infrequent-for tremulous suspense no doubt), I am wrought with anxiety. Its the same feeling I get whenever someone hands me a going away card at work, how do I sit myself on that precarious line between witty and offensive? When scrolling through my page of close nit friends and vaguely known but partially interesting people, I found the following snippets,
'Gurn with the Wind - a Yorkshire based tragedy whose toothless hero succeeds, against all t'odds, in overcoming his debilitating flatulence, and triumphs at t'world face pulling championships bearing and brings a new twist to the bearing of the Olympic flame'-man I am on fire!LOL
'Good to see the the woman who once described herself as a woman who once described herself as an anarchistic feminist left the BIG BROTHER house because nobody was helping her with dishes. Everybody loves a Germaine Greer''
'I lost faith in humanity the other day when I went into borders and saw Trinny and Susannah's book filed under Health'
'GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail'
I watched a fairly banal news report on channel 4 yesterday discussing the diminishing power of critics in today's media as a result of increasing numbers. Its not just in contemporary media, critics are everywhere, everyday procreating all over facebook through their tiny buttoned blackberry's and ipones. All of us are undergoing a metamorphosis into deadpan 90's comedians, spewing witty observations for momentary social approval. We all have the smarmy gummy grins of the worlds"state the obvious" pioneers-Seinfeld, Dane Cook and Micheal Mcintyre (I regret that last one-the boisterous bastard gets a bad rap).
None of us can sit through an event without twit tweeting or static status updating with some inane comment from our cynical repertoire. What ever happened to subjective reflection. Why can't any of us sit through a gig or some stand up without desperately seeking the opinion of acquaintances? Personal perspective should not need to be constantly verified. As the over-sexed Mr.Miller once said,the' man who looks for security, even in the mind, is like a man who would chop off his limbs in order to have artificial ones which will give him no pain or trouble'. Perhaps not so committed as to lob off our hands, but most of us have adopted the iphone and formed it into a physical appendage. Unlike an arbitrary hand, it finds us when were lost, it solves arguments through wikipedia, summarises the Guardian for out pleasure and even gives us access to the official US sex offenders list to insure grope free holiday.
I was mulling on these very thoughts as I left the British library the other night. But as I dreamed up ways of pitching my hypocrisy on-line, I stumbled across a familiar face. A rotund loner hovering around Christopher Lee in the hopes of an autograph. One of those men you always see squinting over bus stop signs holding a selection of plastic bags. Then I remembered, this was not any loner, he was the infamous man in the background. I had once given a half-hearted chuckle at his fleeting appearances on Russell Howard's Good News which showed clips of him relentlessly sticking his mug into the background of live news reports. He would shuffle back and forth into the shot with his wheelie shopping bag. But this fellow doesn't just give a limp background wave like most of the lackluster general public, oh no, he pursues the camera's for his appearances.
Given his latest endeavours, I assumed, as you would, that he had probably just hopped the fence of the funny farm in search of a JLS autograph. I had to speak to him, so as my boyfriend tried in vain to drag me across the road, I broke away and accosted my background Thespian. Excuse me are you? 'Yes Darling, its me, star of Russell Howard', he said, gesticulating like a hooked fish. I was surprised to see that a man who so clearly resembled Friar tuck could so sound so similar to Mr.Humphries. What I thought would evolve in to a fairly stilted conversation about this mans career transpired to be a strange insight into the life of someone on the periphery. "Oh I know, most people don't want to hear the views of a flabby hermit but I have opinions, and if the only way to have them heard is to follow these news readers around, bugger it, I'll do it my darling!'. As it turns out, this fellow was one of those active humanitarians you so rarely meet, rather than one of those '5 pounds goes out of my bank account every week to Oxfam and I dont know how to cut it' humanitarians. Volunteering at care homes, arranging social events for disadvantaged youths, campaigning against the BNP, charity working to beat the band!
Well didn't I feel like a slave to my social conditioning, yes indeed I did. The camera lurker wasn't in search of fame at all, he just trying to get his views heard, admittedly, by some very questionable means. He may have been quick to point out that I was the 261st person to recognise him but that DOES NOT undermine his cause in my book. I tottered home so in awe of my encounter with Mr.Background I decided to write an article describing our conversation in the hope of hi lighting societal flaws, how we ostracise characters like this man of integrity and instead plaster the opinions of vacant celebrities across our periodicals. How poignant, I thought, to quash the pre-conceived ideas the public had carved around this man on account of Russell Howard.
By the time I had read through the finish product, I realised what I had was not an adorning social analogy but a half-arsed piece of investigative journalism which portrayed Mr.Background as a perverse and deplorable fame seeker who got his jollies to Nick Griffin. What I had, was a well-fed facebook status. People don't change, only their costumes do, and because of my anarchistic streak, my costume is not an iphone, but a motorola BLUR.
